A Fresh Start

I would rather not have started my first post with such a stereotypical title, but there you have it and it’s the god honest truth that A Fresh Start (TM) is what I need desperately. More specifically, my life has spiralled down the toilet. It is now very close to making its journey down the drain, and I don’t want it to but I’m afraid I am too set in my ways to prevent the “demise” from happening.

Physically as well as mentally I am not doing great. Around the age of thirteen, I was given my own computer. I was already a screwed up child to begin with but add a laptop and basically no limits, I began spiralling at an alarming rate. I’ll spare you the awkward adolescent details of hormones acting as a hammer to my already low self esteem, but I will tell you my position now. I am tired pretty much all of the time, and when I sleep my dreams are always disturbing. I rarely have a good night’s sleep. My thighs are ginormous, and putting so much pressure on my knees I think there may be something genuinely wrong with them by now. I have poor eyesight. I have awful posture. I stress eat so much it’s built into my routine. Mentally I feel uncomfortable outside to the point of crying. I don’t even feel comfortable in my house. Anywhere but my room makes me want to cry, vomit, you name it. I am addicted to the internet, especially tumblr, which is perhaps one of the most toxic places you can find yourself, and not good for your mental health, your wellbeing, anything really. I am a perfectionist who cannot start anything from fear she may fail. The only activity I could do without stress used to be cleaning – it felt like I was scrubbing myself and my life off the insecurities and the hovoc – but I can barely muster the motivation to do anything right now. I have been depressed for years now.

Reading over this it seems like I am a mess, which I am. Too much for me to even comprehend. I must add that there are probably some good points about me. But this is not what this post is about. I want to get better, and I don’t know how and I need to know because I am eighteen and I don’t want to end up like everyone else in my family. Even as I am typing this I feel the all compassing need to stop, because I can’t do it and it’s stupid and i’m not writing right and I should stop so I’m typing and typing because if I stop I stop for real. I want to get better so much, and I’ve never really been better, and I don’t know what better is. Writing has always helped me. So I thought, why not channel this energy into something I enjoy, something I love, something with results, some platform which will allow me to feel some sense of accomplishment, rather than staring at other people being better me and scrolling through my dash for more. That’s it. This is why I started this blog. I hope the quality of writing gets better.